"Takin' Out the Trash".....

Let me see it.
No, wait. You look at it first, then tell me what it says.
No!
Ok seriously, give it here- Ah! After you look and tell me the verdict.
No. Ok. Stop. Let's not do this at all.
But we have to. You've already peed on the stick, just let me see it and I will look.
No! I'll look! Ahhhh!!!!
Ok, AWESOME!!!! There's just one line!
Yay!!! You're not pregnant!! Ok, congrats. Let's go, we'll celebrate! I'll buy you Chick-fil-a.

No, that wasn't an excerpt from last week's episode of the Secret Life of the American Teenager. It was a real life, real white trash moment that I had, in a Target bathroom with a friend at college. My super strict, super Christian college, I might add. NO- before we go any further, I was the one assisting with the test, not taking it. I have been unwanted pregnancy free for 26 years, and holding.
Nope. This was just another day in the life of Leanne "LTRAYNE" Little. You know me.... I like to keep it classy.

I'm sure its hard to believe, but that's not my most white trash moment. Not by a long shot. No, that, my friends, is simply the tip of the WalMart clothes wearing, flip-flops in any weather, no bra to the gas station, iceberg. I once got a HORRIBLE migrane and threw up all over my aunts' really rich friends' bathroom. Not just any bathroom. A nice bathroom. A bathroom that would be worth more than I would go for on the black market. I once yelled " I LOVE you more than any man I know!!!" to the Chickfila attendant that gave me an extra handful of honey roasted BBQ sauce. I also, once asked the lady in the Walgreens Pharmacy drive-thru to grab me a 20 oz diet coke.

However, NONE of these moments, no matter how K-Fed-tastic they were, no matter how much WetNWild hooker red lipstick they applied, could ever amount to, what the Little Family will forever refer to as the "Mall Incident of 2006". Yes, tensions were high that day, that my sister Lisa, the two nieces, Arielle and Zahra and myself strolled into the ole' Sears and Roebuck.

My father, the great Larry L. Little, had been in hospice care, and we knew that the end was near. For someone with the personality of applesauce, this would have been a tough time, so you can imagine how intense things were with my two "spirited" nieces.

As the story goes, we were in search of funeral appropriate attire for Arielle and Zahra. While REL and I looked around one area, Zahra and Lisa scoured the teen section. OK. Now, I would be re-miss NOT to warn you right now... FIESTY. NIECES. ON. BOARD. These aren't your precious Zach and Cody, ride a skateboard through a hotel lobby, siblings. They would be more Kardashian, less Bobbsey.

After a while of shopping, REL and I made our way back to Lisa and Zahra. When I came on the scene, I knew something wasn't right. Judging by the amount of steam coming from Lisa's ears, and the screams of adolescent rage resounding from inside the dressing room, something was about to go down. As I walked into the fitting room, I was greeted by a shirt, that had, in some random Harry Potter turn of events, sprouted wings and was flying towards me. I ducked. Phew! That demon possessed V- neck barely grazed my shoulder. However, before I could whip out my wand and render future flying fashions inaffective, I realized that the clothing was not possessed at all. No, it was my 15 year old niece. Zahra began to hurl clothes out of that dressing room like freaking hall of fame pitcher, Charles "the chief" Bender at the bottom of the ninth. I knew something needed to be done. A simple calm voice would not suffice. I needed to act quickly. As "Lose Youself" by Eminem began to play in the background, I knew that even though my palms were indeed sweaty, I only had one shot.... One opportunity... I sneaked closer. As Zahra picked up another cashmere grenade, I moved slowly, as to not alarm the beast. I had almost inched my way to the door of her lair when she looked up. OH NO. RED ALERT!!!! She had made eye contact, locked on to her target, and she had her Fazer on Kill....
What happened next, could have (and should have) been taped and used for a variety of things:
1. America's Funniest (but also saddest look into the future of this country) Videos
2. When Animals Attack
3. WWE SMACKDOWN
4. River Monsters Unhooked
or...
5. her Jersey Shore audition tape.

Zahra, with the force and determination of a mother rhino, stormed out of the Sears fitting room, pushing past myself and Lisa on her way out. Oh no, I thought to myself.... THE BEAST IS FREE. To my, (and Sears) dismay, there was only one thing standing in the way of Zahra's full store rampage. One final front. One last line of defense. A General Custer's Last Stand, if you will.
Arielle.

As I quickly sprinted towards the door, I looked up just in time to see Zahra, with the fervor of a day after Thanksgiving shopper, SHOVE Arielle into a rack of LEI jeans. You may wonder how I know they were LEI jeans. Well, when you see apx 137 pairs of them flying off the rack in perfect unison, you take notice. I knew this wasn't good. I put down my Auntie Anne's phenomenal lemonade, and took action like that bald, stocky body guard from Jerry Springer. You know, the one that everyone can recognize, but NO ONE can tell you his name. Suddenly, I became the ring master. I attempted to separate Cena and Hogan into their respective corners. However, I wasn't able to pull them apart until they both got in a few quality jabs. When Andre the Giant and Sugar Ray Leonard finally calmed down, we had drawn quite the crowd. We were receiving more disapproving stares than the time Ethan ran his motorized scooter into that ENTIRE rack of bras at WalMart. Apparently, a Little Family Showdown Throwdown, is something of a spectacle. I just wish I could have charged some Pay Per View type admission to the event. If so, I wouldn't be paying 100+ dollars a month in student loan payments, I can assure you of that fact.
Well, when the final bell sounded, we walked out of that Saginaw, Michigan mall a little worse for wear. But within the hour, we were (somewhat) laughing about the whole ordeal. And as we drove back home, drinking our Mountain Dew and listening to Kid Rock, we were in agreement that no matter what----- our family can out- trash your family any day of the week.

White Trash Moments.

Britney had a few.
Charlie Sheen had a few.
I've had a few.

And if I'm guessing right, so have you. So what's your worst white trash moment?