Yes, I attended Clearwater Christian College in Clearwater, FL. An amazing time- and for anyone thinking about, already enrolled, or already graduated from a Christian institution, there are SO many things you need to know. I mean, how are you going to know that jeans are made from the fibers of Satan's cloak, if you don't have someone like me to tell you?!?!
So.... for your convience, I have labeled the top 7 people that every Christian college has in attendance. If you can classify who that individual was in your college, great. If you swear they didn't exist- YOU WERE THAT PERSON.
1. Christian College Ray of SunshineAKA: Girl in your 8am class that you want to slap.
Doppleganger: Dopplegangers are fun! and make me happy! Just like early morning college classes, do!
Theme Song: If you're happy and you know it clap your hands.
Major: Elementary Education
Be on the lookout for this Christian College attendee. She will have you paper machee-ing half the campus within the hour. This floral skirted phenom is all about positivity and smiles. I mean, it is the Elementary Ed way! Too bad I positivily want to beat her with a buttered sock.
Nemesis: Me. and every other person in 8am Christian Counseling.
2. The Christian College Hipster.
AKA I own more scarfs than a FOREVER 21
Doppleganger: The lead singer from ColdPlayTheme Song: Anything cool, by that new band, "Mumford & Sons" that says the F word in their hit single but its ok, because it's not rap and Eminem isn't saying it.
Yup, you know exactly who I'm talking about here. This "cool" Christian is all about shedding that "nerdy" I HEART JESUS jumper, and throwning on a V neck and some TOMS. This person can usually be spotted a mile away by their skinny jeans and vast Contemporary Christian cd collection.
Nemesis: Places that sell anything but fair trade coffee. Also, any social injustice.
3. The Christian College Wholesome Pretty Girl
AKA- The Sugary sweet college sweetheart.Doppleganger: Your campus's version of a Godly Blake Lively in Accepted.
Theme Song: Sixpence None the Richer's "Kiss Me"
Admit it. If you weren't her, somewhere deep down, you wanted to be. And if you were her, chances are, you had no idea. Be on the lookout for this one. She will be followed by all of the "Christian College Douchebags" that will be claiming they have seen the light.
4. The Chiristian College Douchebag
AKA- Most of the freshman class
Doppleganger: Pauly D
Theme Song: It varies... Could be Kanye. Could be Jason Derulo. Just depends on how douchey this guy wants to be.
Ick. You know this guy. If I'm as right as I know I am, chances are, you've thought about giving this guy a untrue tip about a collar popping techinque clinic on the bad side of town. This guy goes to a Christian college for one of two reasons. A- his parents made him, or B- he thinks it will be fun to be the "bad guy". The problem with this guy is, in a nutshell, everything. He seems to think he's quite the badass, I just feel bad about those things I wrote about him in the girls bathroom.... and on facebook..... and on his car.....Nemesis: Anyone who is an actual badass and could expose him.
5. The Christian College Poster Child
AKA- The hearthrobDoppleganger: Channing Tatum in "She's The Man"
Theme Song: Frank Sinatra's "My way"
You know this guy. He kicked that soccerball through the goal posts of your heart. He threw the winning touchdown into your love. He made the game winning three-pointer that coincidentaly won your affections. Every Christian college has one. He's hot. He's rich (because his parents own half the school) and he knows it. Stay away from this one. Or don't.... totally up to you.
Nemesis: Any girl that doesn't fall for his obvious heart melting charm. Also, the Christian College Douche-bag.
6. The Token Christian College Black Guy
Doppleganger: Ludacris while he was attending Bob Jones University
Theme Song: DJ Kahled's "I'm So Hood"... that, or "Welcome to My Hood" ft. Rick Ross.
Hey. He had a tattoo. He was a shoe-in for the basketball team, and he had an afro. He was legit, right? WRONG. You will be able to spot this guy from a hood mile away. He was ghetto enough to stand out- not ghetto enough to hold is own in a Biggie Smalls/Tupac shootout. Beware of this guy. He may tell you he's been shot more times than 50 cent, but chances are- those scars are actually from a pellet gun.
7. The Christian College Bad SeedAKA- who the hell let her in this place?
Theme Song: I don't know what satan is listening to these days, but I'm sure it ryhmes with Schmady Smaga.
This college student is really a bad seed. They attend movies in actual theatres. They wear jeans to Target. They blare Eminem's greatest hits on their way back into campus. They sneak out after curfew. They watch tv shows on the internet. They mean well, and they.are.ME.
I hope this small, quick, informative guide has helped you realize what you're in for, as a Christian college attendee. Just remember- if you can get past the crazy rules, the strict teaachers, and the rap hating psychos, you will have a BLAST. or you will get kicked out. I'm positive it's one of those two things. =)
What do you think? Did I miss someone? Who do you think is a staple at Christian colleges all over the country?
