Douche-bag-ery: A How To Guide.

My niece Arielle, came down to Florida to visit me last week. We had an awesome time! While my precious 21 year old niece was here, we ate way too much, slept way too little, and we found a moderate amount of trouble to get into. One of the exciting things we did while she was here, was the Plant City Strawberry Festival. The festival means one thing. CHOCOLATE COVERED BACON!!! While we were waiting in line, something extremely ridiculous happened. Three teenage boys were waiting in line, and while they did, one of the kids, we'll call him douche-bag 1, continued to use the "f" word. No, not even that "f" word... The teenager did not stop using the word faggot and/or fag the entire time we were in line. All I could do was pray to God that he would send a steroid ridden gay man with a taste for chocolate covered bacon to our line at that exact second. I CANNOT handle douche-bag-ery like this. When did we as a society, decide it is acceptable to treat people disrespectfully just because they are different? So, in the light of these #dumbass children, I have decided that everyone should embrace their inner douchebag. Not sure how? No problem! Below, is a fool proof plan to successfully become a douchebag. Feel free to use any or all of these things! Let the douche-bag-ery begin!

TO BE A DOUCHEBAG:
1. HATE ON THE GAYS.
     Hey! Lets all persecute one group of people based on a single characteristic of their life! We should also try to take away some of their rights as Americans. No, I promise it will be great! You don't think so? Well, all I know is that it worked out awesome for the blacks and the Jews!
2. PARK YOUR CAR AT THE PUMP, THEN DON'T GET GAS, BUT INSTEAD GO INSIDE, BUY A MONSTER ENERGY DRINK AND THEN LEAVE.
    Dear unidentified Rossford, Ohio driver,
       Do it one more time. I dare you. No, go ahead. However, be warned. The next time you park your fancy nancy car next to the pump and don't buy gas, I will cram that Monster can so far down your throat...... ok, Drive Safe!
3. PRETEND YOU'RE HURT AT WALMART SO YOU CAN RIDE THE MOTORIZED SCOOTERS. aka MY NEPHEW.
    The freedom of the road. The breeze in your hair as you fly by the frozen foods. There is an intoxicating thrill that you receive when you are riding those lanes like the Sons of Anarchy around Walmart in that scooter. However, there is a price to pay. The price of douche-bag-ery.
4. LITTER. ALL THE TIME.
    Go ahead. Throw your 55 oz. styrofoam cup and plastic lid out the window. You deserve it. You've had a long day. The 13 year old boy who crashed his Walmart scooter into the security guard then spent the next 30 minutes yelling "I've Got My Rights!!!" will need something to pick up during community service. Of course, I'm not sure how the endangered Misalka Eagle feels about you polluting his home. I would ask him, but he's dead. Blunt force trauma to the skull via Big Gulp.
5. MESS WITH MY FAMILY.
   You know how they have those TV shows where the people are screwing with the baby moose, and then the mother comes onto the scene, guns blazing like Will Smith and Martin Lawrence in Bad Boys 2, "BLUE POWER! MOTHER F-"... I digress... They should make a show called "Overprotective Aunt". It could air right after the Jersey Shore. It would be alot of me yelling. All the time. Don't mess  with my fam. I'm not afraid to hand out ass kickin's like starburst.
6. REF LITTLE LEAGUE BASKETBALL AND HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
   I'm not normally a belligerent person. Really, I'm not. However, when the state of Ohio decides to employee blind referees to officiate my nephew's basketball games, I get a bit testy. I swear some of these refs don't know the difference between a basketball and a basket- something witty. It's ok though, because in addition to being blind, most of these refs barely push 5 foot. Super.
7. WEAR A BLUETOOTH.
   I'm 99% confident that when Mattel finally takes my advice and comes out with the "douche-bag" barbie, in addition to having "The Situation's" body and a spray tan, there will be a standard issue bluetooth headset. I think it goes without saying. If you follow numbers 1-6 to a T, PLEASE don't neglect the hands free cellular device. I mean, how are people going to know that you are a douchebag if you are using a normal cell phone. It's embarrassing. I mean, holding the phone up to your ear? What are you- a caveman? You might as well be wearing acid wash jeans and one earring.

I hope these 7 tips help you become in tune, and release your inner douchebag. Because after all, if you can't beat 'em.... park at the gas pump, buy them all Monsters and bluetooths, then throw the cans out the window. But if you could do me one favor, try to hit a ref while you're at it. =)

*** Thanks for listening to me rant!!! ***
Also, a special thanks to my BFF for inventing the term "douche-bag-ery".... =)