I can't make up my mind.
I mean, I will make my most educated decision, but I just can't seem to come to a solid conclusion.
My head says "Bye, Bye, Bye", but my heart is SCREAMING "Dirty Pop".
Either way, it will be phenomenal. I don't care if Chris still has those God-awful dreads. I don't care if Lance brings his boyfriend on stage to perform "This I Promise You". I don't even care if Joey Fat-one does that thing where he pretends he's Greek. I really don't. I don't even care if they open with "Here We Go". It will be a night of magic- this I can be sure of.
There are just some things I have to witness, and NSYNC's "Break a Hip/Hop" Tour is DEFINENTLY one of these things. I've always been that way. I never wanted to miss anything. When I was younger, I was sure that when I went to bed and finally closed my eyes, something awesome would happen.
My nieces would say something cute and adorable.
Everything cool happens after you go to sleep. Everyone knows that. It's a fact. Like the effect of video games on children, or garden gnomes coming to life. In reality, my dad would play a hot game of solitaire at the kitchen table, my mom would read, and my nieces would sneak pieces of Kraft sliced cheese, cans of Mountain Dew, and watch "Bring It On" . However, in my defense, solitaire can be a pretty kick A game with Larry Little at the helm.
My dad was awesome. He was like Burt Reynolds, Tommy Lee Jones and 50 Cent- all rolled into one. Burt Reynolds because he was rugged, Tommy Lee Jones because of the ears, and I think it's obvious- 50 Cent because of the false teeth and over all ability to freestyle rap.
My dad would say "old timer" things like "golly" and "Hey, slick!" and "bitches be crazy". Ok, I made one of those things up.
To make a long story longer, my dad rocked. Period. And before he left this earth to kick it with Jesus, he taught me some pretty great lessons. Some took years, some took minutes, but they will last a lifetime. One of the things I inherited from my dad, is a low tolerance for douchebaggery.
Fo sho.
And in the spirit of missing my dad, I have decided to write a strongly worded letter to the 3 people that are getting on my nerves the most, this very moment. Fortunately for them, I'm unemployed- so I can't afford 3 stamps.
1. Dear Nicki Minaj-
My toothbrush is more badass than you. If I threw a bandanna on my box of Irish Spring soap, I would take it in a fight, any day. I sincerely want to puke everytime I hear you "rap". In one of your "songs", you mention the fear that a bum might attempt to touch you. I want to give said bum a purple heart. Also, I've coordinated with 754 of Toledo, Ohio's homeless and on my count, they will all be licking you in the face. In other news, your pink hair- looks ridiculous. Also, I know you think you're a force to be reckoned with, but let's be honest. 55 pound, Spencer Reid from Criminal Minds is more threatening than you. That is all.
V.
2. Dear Homophobic Conservatives-
Earlier today, I wrote singer/songwriter Nicki Minaj a letter. I expressed my desire for a bum to lick her in the face. I can only hope to round up a few hundred gays, and encourage them to do the same. And let me make this clear, they won't be like, half-way in the closet gay. No- not for you, my intolerant, homophobic nut cases. For you, I'm thinking less Ryan Seacrest, more Jack from Will & Grace. Enjoy!
PS- I have programmed every single on of your ringtones to blare Lady GaGa's "Born This Way". No thanks necessary. Also, I put your man-seeking-man profile on eharmony. You're welcome.
V.
3. Dear Librarian that acts personally offended when I am late returning my items,
I didn't realize that I was checking out your personal copy of Jackass 3. My apologies. However, the disapproving look that you shoot my way, when I was only 2 days late returning it, was bordering on psychotic. In other news, I KNOW that "Does God Know How to Tie Shoes?" is out and overdue. You see to it, that myself and everyone else in the Rossford Public Library is reminded everytime I step foot into your establishment. Even if I had it, you can't have it back now. And let me assure you, that if I knew anything about God's lacing abilities, you would be the last one to know! Yup. Russell Brand will know before you do. In unrelated news, where does all of my fine money go? Come on. You can tell me. It's Pizza Friday's isn't it? You act like I am sharing BFF bracelets with OJ and Casey Anthony when I roll in a few days late with One Tree Hill Season 2 under my arm, but the minute you are in possession of those crisp George Washingtons, you magically transform, in some Optimus Prime turn of events, into Betty Freaking White. I'm onto you.
PS- I hid all of the Madea movies somewhere in the Non-Fiction section. Search is on, biotch!
V.
Phew. I feel much better.
What person, or group of persons, really just sets your teeth on edge?
No one? You never get annoyed, and you love all of God's creatures equally?
Oh.... this is awkward. =)
Ahahaha! That is the best! Also, I get to see you in less than 3 weeks!
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